Tuesday, July 16, 2013


I came to the party with two hearts drawn on my face, one right-side-up and one upside-down. It was supposed to look like the Queen of Hearts on a playing card. The party had an Alice in Wonderland theme. It was a joint bachelor and bachelorette party for two friends who are getting married.

I was there with my fiancĂ©. I tried not to think about how there were no fewer than four guys at the party with whom I had, at one time or another, and to varying degrees, been intimate. I mostly avoided the other three. That’s not my life now that I’m engaged. 

We arrived on the late side, as the city-lit sky that lives above DC's suburbs was showing its two or three stars. There was a small stage set up in the back yard. Burlesque dancers, male and female, were going to perform. Everyone was gathered around the pool.

--Earlier in the night I had drunk half a bottle of sweet-tea-flavored vodka in my room with the door closed. I took sips and made webcam photos of me in my white wig. I told some people that I would stop doing that, drinking to zap my shyness before a party or another social event, but I keep on doing it. I don’t believe that I will ever stop. The other half is still in my closet. I know I'll need it again.--

The burlesque dancers were stuck in traffic so we all stood around. Some people sat on the diving board. Some of them were still in clothes and not swimsuits. 

My fiancĂ© doesn’t drink. He stood sturdy by the edge of the pool, away from most of the crowd, and faced the stage. I stood by him some, but kept faking like I was falling into the pool. I would fall in with a big splash and get water up my nose that I pretended didn’t sting. “Whoa, here I go again!” It kept being funny to me because I was drunk.

The pool was empty so I stayed in it. I felt like it was my aquamarine stage.

I floated on my back. I looked up at the sky and focused on this one star. My ears were under the surface for so long that I thought they might pop. I didn’t want to ever get out. I could hear nothing, and I was alone, except for this one star. 

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