I came to the party with two hearts drawn on my face, one right-side-up and one upside-down. It was supposed to look like the Queen of Hearts on a playing card. The party had an Alice in Wonderland theme. It was a joint bachelor and bachelorette party for two friends who are getting married.
I was there with my fiancé. I tried not to
think about how there were no fewer than four
guys at the party with whom I had, at one time or another, and to varying degrees, been
intimate. I mostly avoided the other three. That’s not my life now that I’m
We arrived on the late side, as the city-lit sky that lives above DC's suburbs
was showing its two or three stars. There was a small stage
set up in the back yard. Burlesque dancers, male and female, were going
to perform. Everyone was gathered around the pool.
--Earlier in the night I had drunk half a bottle of sweet-tea-flavored vodka in my room with the door closed. I took sips and made webcam
photos of me in my white wig. I told some people that I would stop
doing that, drinking to zap my shyness before a
party or another social event, but I keep on doing it. I don’t
believe that I will ever stop. The other half is still in my closet. I know I'll need it again.--
The burlesque dancers were stuck in traffic so we all stood around. Some
people sat on the diving board. Some of them were still in clothes and not swimsuits.
My fiancé doesn’t drink. He stood sturdy by the edge of the pool, away
from most of the crowd, and faced the stage. I stood by him some, but
kept faking like I was falling into the pool. I would fall in with a big
splash and get water up my nose that I pretended
didn’t sting. “Whoa, here I go again!” It kept being funny to me
because I was drunk.
The pool was empty so I stayed in it. I
felt like it was my aquamarine stage.
I floated on my back. I looked up at the sky and focused on this one
star. My ears were under the surface for so long that I thought they
might pop. I didn’t want to ever get out. I could hear nothing, and I was
alone, except for this one star.